He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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