Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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