billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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