She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
where are my eyebrows?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
