My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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