Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
