Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
