From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
