your parents love me but you hate me
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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