the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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