I am midnight drunk by noon
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
