She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
