it wasn't lemon gatorade
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
