Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
