Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So much rum. So many feels.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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