it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
