I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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