Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
