and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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