My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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