His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
