This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
