I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
