The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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