Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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