my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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