im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
