I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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