His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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