Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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