did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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