I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
