There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
