so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
