This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
