Someone shit on the floor
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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