Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize