I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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