Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
