the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
