please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
