I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
