Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
