I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
