Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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