my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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