I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
