I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
