i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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