You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There's always time for handjobs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
