Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
