marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
