so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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