i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
