dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
